dairryiere: oooohhhhhh.....shit......

dairryiere (

dairryiere) wrote,
@ 2005-04-26 15:08:00

oooohhhhhh.....shit......
The only 2 things that could have lured me to the mall today did; $12.99 toddler low top Converse and a coupon for a free photo shoot (I know mall photos are lame but I try to get their pictures taken each year around their birthdays and I thought this would be easy).

They each got a pair of the shoes in black and we headed off to get the pictures done. The Mighty... looked great, very rock star, and was a huge help at the studio but Flora Danica was only interested in sitting in the cartoony fire truck and would cry if I tried to sit her down any where else. I thought it was a little strange that she was so clingy when she is usually the one hamming it up but it wasn't until after we left that I found out why she was so miserable.

This mall has a large ugly play area that the kids spotted right away so we went back there to wait while the photos were being developed. They ran around for about 5 minuets before Flora Danica ran up to me and asked to be held, very weird for her in this setting, she saw her brother climbing on a 3'x3' colorful cube thing and asked me to set her up there. As I set her down I turned my head to see where her brother had gone, when I turned back around to look at her again I saw 2 fountains of shit shooting out from the leg holes of her bloomers! It wasn't a dribble, it wasn't a drop, it was enough diarrhea to run down 3 sides of this block and form puddles on the carpet bellow!

Oh shit, what do I do? I'm completely embarrassed, not to mention it's a huge health hazard for all the little ones crawling on the floor and I can't believe my child's the culprit. There is just so God damned much of it where do I start? I ask her brother to get the daiper bag out of the stroller and I begin by standing her on the floor on top of one of their jackets. I wipe the top and sides of the block with her brothers extra pair of clothes from the bag, and than I start to strip her. She Is starting to cry and a little girl next to us says as loud as she can "That baby threw up!", to which the little girls older sister replies "That's not throw up, that's poop and lots of it!". I start cleaning faster. I shove her socks, shoes, dress and daiper into a bag and start wiping her down with baby wipes, there is so much to clean. I put fresh clothes on her and move her next to her brother to wipe what I can off the floor, it's only then that I realize my skirt and shoes are streaked with shit too. This can't be happening! I use the rest of the wipes getting as much crap off of my clothes as possible, and than use the pile of clothes on the floor to wipe as much as I can from there.

As if I was caught on camera or something a woman shows up with a cleaning cart and starts wiping down the climbing toy while I regroup. I ask her if I can help with the floor but she says "No" and points to Flora Danica who looks at me and says "Poo-Poo, Mama." and points to the ground where she is standing to the small puddles forming by her feet. NOOOOOO!!!! She has no more clothes so I grab a pair of her socks and pull them up as high as I can over her pants to try and contain it while I buy her a clearance rack replacement set somewhere. I get towels from the angel of a cleaner and wipe up the new spot, and then it's off to get a new outfit. I end up buying 2 sets just in case something happens on the way to the photo studio or out to the car. It was horrible, I never wish it upon anyone.

Please let me know I'm not alone, tell me your worst puke/poop story so I can at least get a laugh out of it.

crabbypattie what about your aunts story?

(61 comments) - (Post a new comment)

	gordonzola 2005-04-27 02:26 am UTC (link)
	mall photos are great, not lame. who told you otherwise. Too bad you couldn't get Flor Danica in mid-poop. "Serious face!". (Reply to this) (Thread)

	dairryiere 2005-04-27 02:57 am UTC (link)
	Her diarrhea face is so sad, she gets a trembbling lip and big scared eye look. (Reply to this) (Parent)

felicks
2005-04-27 02:28 am UTC (link)

I know it probably wasn't funny at the time, but I can't stop laughing reading it! When Rutabaga was a baby I used to always carry a diaper in my back pocket in case of barfing or whatnot, and it was always funny to me that I was probably flagging some raunchy sexual preference.

Sorry, I have no shit explosion stories to share - except once I sent her to daycare in underpants (she still uses diapers) and she apparently smeared shit all over the daycare provider's home. Doh.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

dairryiere
2005-04-27 03:05 am UTC (link)

My initial instinct was a nervous chuckle when I realized exactly how bad the situation was, so laugh away and never let your child touch public play equipment again.

My son had an incident at his grandmas we called the "shit cannon" when he was 4 months old. Atomicpop grabbed his ankles and lifted up his bottom to put a new daiper underneath him and he picked that moment to have explosive diarrhea. The trail was about 4' long, but all on easy to clean hard wood floors luckily.

Only 1 cloth diaper in your pocket? I stopped using cloth with both kids when they were about 18 months, I have no good reason for it I probably just got lazy, but 1/2 my bag would be diapers because you can use them for anything. I wish I would have had them with me then.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

felicks, 2005-04-27 03:26 am UTC

I try not to feel guilt in my diapering choices but obviousley I do. -

dairryiere, 2005-04-27 04:48 am UTC

Re: I try not to feel guilt in my diapering choices but obviousley I do. -

felicks, 2005-04-27 09:51 pm UTC

rednfiery
2005-04-27 03:03 am UTC (link)

gordonzola sent me over, sorta.

this is hilarious. you must realize that by now, right? i laughed so hard i cried. am i making you feel better or worse? :)

my child-poop stories are the exact opposite of this one. for example, when i was trying to train H to use the toilet (because i was pregnant with A and wanted to see if i could avoid 2 in diapers) i (obviously, in hindsight) pushed for something H wasn't ready for. she would pee in the toilet, but she would not poop. in fact, she wouldn't poop anywhere but in my kitchen, at night after dinner, after shoo-ing everyone out to other rooms in the house. oh, uh, she would put on one of those pull-up type diapers before pooping in the kitchen. afterwards, she'd quietly announce to her dad or to me that she needed to be changed.

it was interesting. she obviously knew when she needed to go, and she could control it even(!), but if i tried to coax her onto the toilet, she'd sit there unproductively. eventually, i'd give up, put a pullup on her, and let her go to the kitchen....

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	dairryiere 2005-04-27 03:10 am UTC (link)
	FD is potty training now but I put her in diapers for public outings still, and I'm SO glad I did today. Both of mine don't have a problem with pooping on the potty but I Know 2 girls who had the same peeing on the potty but not wanting to poop thing, and they both knew when they had to go also. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

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asthecrowflies, 2005-04-27 03:43 am UTC

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lth, 2005-04-27 01:59 pm UTC

	bdot 2005-04-27 03:20 am UTC (link)
	my friend's daughter had the same issue.. only she would hide in the back of her closet to poop in the diaper... this was for a full year and a half after she had been fully pee potty trained! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	defenestr8r 2005-04-27 03:05 am UTC (link)
	may i recommend that sometime soon you rent margaret cho's revolution dvd.... she has a whole thing about driving down the streets of LA and hitting her pants in her car. i think public poop is definitely high on my list of greatest fears. i am mortified on your behalf. i do think someday you will be laughing at this though ;) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hitting or shitting? dairryiere 2005-04-27 03:12 am UTC (link)
	either way I'll rent it, I can use the laugh. I could also use a bleach shower. ugh... (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

Re: hitting or shitting? -

defenestr8r, 2005-04-27 03:15 am UTC

Re: hitting or shitting? -

dairryiere, 2005-04-27 04:49 am UTC

Re: hitting or shitting? -

defenestr8r, 2005-04-27 04:51 am UTC

Re: hitting or shitting? -

morty_baby, 2005-04-27 08:20 pm UTC

Re: hitting or shitting? -

defenestr8r, 2005-04-27 09:54 pm UTC

(no subject) -

gordonzola, 2005-04-27 03:26 am UTC

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defenestr8r, 2005-04-27 03:27 am UTC

	found this via gordonzola... yousmell 2005-04-27 03:39 am UTC (link)
	i don't have any children, so i don't have any children poop stories. but i shit my pants recently and i'm twenty-two. i linked to the detailed LJ-entry if you're interested, but the crux of the matter is that i shit myself in a bar in the middle of the afternoon. it was a surprisingly good time. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: found this via gordonzola... dairryiere 2005-04-27 04:52 am UTC (link)
	I had to babysit a room mate once that was about that age who got so sick after eating Ethiopian food they didn't know they had shit their pants until the smell was pointed out by another room mate. (Reply to this) (Parent)

poop story

metacara
2005-04-27 03:40 am UTC (link)

Gordonzola sent me over here to tell a poop story; I hope you don't mind.
I was in line at the post office, pregnant and with my 16 month old daughter and the line was epic. I was about halfway through the line with my five large boxes of whatever (the trauma of the story I am about to relate has totally wiped my mind of what, exactly, I was mailing, to whom and why), and my daughter was sitting atop the pile of packages, on the dolly.
She was being good.
And then she had diarrhea. Explosive, out-the-leg-hole diahrrea.
On someone's package.
And I.
Had something like three paper restaurant napkins in my purse. No wipes, no diaper bag, because it had just been too much to carry with the packages and the baby and my purse.
So I cleaned up the package and her legs but there was NO WAY on God's green earth that I was going to get OUT of that line (maybe it was Christmas? I can't remember why this was so important). I put the filthy napkins in the garbage. I stayed in line while fifty people gave me evil glares for not removing my stinky, stinky child from their post office line. And let me say, she stank. She smelled AWFUL. I am sure that the post office didn't air out for hours afterward. It was the longest, worst, most guilty 25 minutes I ever spent in the post office. In addition to all of that, she was still full of poop and so I also spent those 25 minutes gyrating her uncooperative toddler body into positions where she wouldn't spray poo out of her full diapers. As you might imagine, I was not entirely successful in this. It was horrific and mortifying. Then, when I got back to the car I realized that I had forgotten her diaper bag anyway, (pregnancy hormones + too many boxes to mail) and therefore had to remove the diaper and wipe her with her pants and her t-shirt, drive to the BX, and carry her naked, wrapped in my sweater into the store to buy diapers, wipes, and a change of clothing. I wanted to just die, already.
So I feel your poop story pain, and I think that there is a large sisterhood of mothers with public poop trauma out there, because: Shit? it happens.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: poop story dairryiere 2005-04-27 04:56 am UTC (link)
	ooohhh that's bad! Luckily there wasn't the bad smell to go along with the crime this time, but I was on a bus once in SF where I witnessed several passengers dry heaving over the smeel coming off a little girl in the back. I got off at the next stop. (Reply to this) (Parent)

jette
2005-04-27 03:56 am UTC (link)

I'm not reading this post cause I'm squeamish and I dealt with enough poop with my three sons, none of whom were what we'd call early toilet trainers. :-(

But here's a funny poop story... when my youngest was toilet learning, he would need help cleaning himself up. One day I'm on the phone (work related) and ringing loudly through the house were the immortal words, "MOM! WIPE MY BUTTHOLE!"

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	dairryiere 2005-04-27 04:59 am UTC (link)
	I love how descriptive kids can be. I over heard a 2 year old tell her friend once "I have a bagina (vagina) and it's pink!" (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

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jette, 2005-04-27 05:13 am UTC

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ilipodscrill, 2005-04-27 07:35 am UTC

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felicks, 2005-04-27 09:53 pm UTC

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ilipodscrill, 2005-04-28 12:07 am UTC

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dairryiere, 2005-04-28 07:46 am UTC

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slit, 2005-04-27 08:39 pm UTC

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jette, 2005-04-27 08:51 pm UTC

porro
2005-04-27 05:00 am UTC (link)

One summer when my little sister was about 6, we were at a house down the street from ours, running through the sprinklers in our swimsuits. Suddenly she pulled me aside and said I had to take her home RIGHT NOW because she just pooped. We walked down the street, almost home, and she flipped the bottom portion of her swimsuit over and a little poop fell out onto the sidewalk. I was so grossed out.

My friend L has a daughter who prefers to poop in the backyard because that's what the dog does. She'll just run outside and squat, then run back in and wipe. I think she's around 4 or 5.

My boss has 2 grandsons and they poop inappropriately all the time. The older one still wets/poops in the bad at age 17. His little brother, who is probably 12 or so, poops in his pants. I don't know how the parents handle it, but the grandparents are totally exasperated.

In my last apartment there was a single bathroom for my roommate and I to share. One morning I had to pee and I noticed the water level was a bit low but wasn't too concerned. I peed a normal amount and used a normal amount of TP. When I flushed, a huge brown sea rose and overflowed out of the toilet. I panicked and mopped up as best as I could but decided to leave the bulk of it to my roommate, as it was obviously his doing. When he woke up he claimed to have no idea how the toilet could have possibly overflowed and didn't help me clean it. I was so angry.

Public poop emergencies are tough, though, and I think you kept it together really well!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

dairryiere
2005-04-28 07:49 am UTC (link)

I was opperating on pure adrenalin, that's the only reason I was able to keep my own shit together.

Speaking of pooping outside, I had a nanny job for a little girl who would quietly disapear when I was busy with her younger sister only to reappear and annouce "I just LOVE to poop in nature." Her mom and I found a pile large enough that we think she had been doing it for a while.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

morty_baby
2005-04-27 05:32 am UTC (link)

When my daughter was a toddler I used to let her wander around the yard sans clothes in the summer time all the time to air things out. One warm peaceful summer day the air was shattered by a loud high-pitched scream. That scream came from me as I noticed that my wonderful beautiful perfect little child was in the process of taking a runny semi-lumpy crap that sluiced down her chubby little legs and puddled on the ground at her piggy-toed feet. Hearing the scream caused her butthole to retract, stopping the cascade in mid-poop. I started toward her and she backed away warily. All of a sudden, she didn't want this screeching mommy-person near her, so proceeded to toddle away as fast as her fat little legs could carry her, with the cascade of poop flowing anew.
I grabbed her up and holding her at arm's length, unceremoniously dumped her into her kidlet pool and cleaned her off. Sighing over the further cleaning of the kid AND her pool, I turned to the next task at hand; hosing down the mess accumulated here and there on the concrete. To my surprise, there wasn't any to be found on the concrete where the original puddle sat, just a wet clean-looking area. That's when I noticed my dog, busily lapping up the next puddle.

..and people wonder why dogs have bad breath.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	anarqueso 2005-04-27 07:13 pm UTC (link)
	I wonder why people let dogs lick their face. I've watched dogs behavior and I never ever let them lick my face. Dairryierre, most of my gross poop stories are about your kids anyhow. Sorry. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	travelingcircus 2005-04-27 06:15 am UTC (link)
	If it makes you feel any better, I almost shit myself reading this. (Reply to this)

another Gordonzola sendover

freshwater_pr0n
2005-04-27 06:24 am UTC (link)

I don't have kids. I remember too much about what a terrible child I was to ever inflict that upon myself. But I have stories about poop, lots of stories.

The worst one involved a dog who was staying with me for a week or so. This dog was a purebred Irish Wolfhound named Hanzi. Hanzi loves everyone, but he's particularly infatuated with me. He has a special greeting reserved for special people, where he'll gently place a huge shaggy paw on each of your shoulders and lick your nose. Aww.

I put Hanzi up for a nap in the guest bedroom and spent a few hours reading and doing chores. Hanzi started to bark in a high-pitched voice I'd never heard from him before. Attention seeking, probably. I ignored it, so as not to encourage him.

After Hanzi had been silent for ten minutes or so, I opened the door to the guest bedroom to let him out. Ooooh, shit. I felt so guilty. Hanzi had been barking to let me know that he had explosive diarrhea and needed to go out. Finally, he couldn't hold it any more, and he blew all over the floor and the walls. Dog that he is, he finished by rolling in it. This hairy, shaggy, 165 pound, 36 inches at the shoulder dog was covered nose to tail in the foulest carnivore shit. He hung his head and flattened his ears as though he expected me to punish him, but I knew that it wasn't his fault. Oh, Hanzi, I said, you're a good boy. Let's go outside.

He was so happy to see that I wasn't about to kill him that he started wiggling all over. Every wag of his tail whipped droplets of shit into obscure corners of the room. "No, Hanzi! No, outside! Outside!" I grabbed his leash. This drove Hanzi over the edge, and he jumped up on me to give me a big, wet, shit-laden kiss. I gagged as his rank beard brushed my cheek, and as I tasted dog poo on my lips, I screamed and fell backwards into. . . A pile of shit.

If there are any heroes in this story, they are my next door neighbors. They had to have at least heard, if not seen, me naked in the backyard crying and washing myself and the dog off with the pressure hose, but they never said anything about it.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: another Gordonzola sendover maalivahti 2005-05-13 02:41 am UTC (link)
	i can't breathe i'm laughing so hard at that. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	freshwater_pr0n 2005-04-27 06:25 am UTC (link)
	And no, my story doesn't come anywhere close to yours. You're made of some stern stuff. (Reply to this)

also referred by G-Zola

jamie_miller
2005-04-27 10:04 am UTC (link)

I must say I laughed out loud while reading all of these awful shit stories except for yours.

I don't have any especially bad baby shit stories to relate right now, but I think I will in a day or two. You see, we started Junior Mint on solids recently, and I enthusiastically overfed him with a banana-rice cereal mixture. I guess there is a constipation effect from bananas (despite the high fiber) because Junior Mint hasn't pooped in almost 48 hours which is highly unusual. When it finally does come out, I just know that it will be explosive and rancid.

As far as personal poop stories go ... one day at work I had a terrible case of diarrhea and luckily made it to the toilet on time. I was there for about 20 minutes and when I was finally finished I wiped, then stood up and bent over to pull up my pants. At that time a massive blast of diarrhea which had somehow been hiding within me managed to launch itself out of my ass and all over the wall of the bathroom stall and the toilet itself.

I wiped myself clean and then, because I hated my workplace and all of my co-workers, left the mess there for someone else to deal with.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: also referred by G-Zola warhooligan 2005-04-27 04:24 pm UTC (link)
	are you sure its not the rice cereal? When my best friend's son started on rice cereal he went to pooping every other day for about the first week. (Reply to this) (Parent)

Re: also referred by G-Zola -

dairryiere, 2005-04-28 07:51 am UTC

Gordon sent me, too

lth
2005-04-27 01:12 pm UTC (link)

I have two stories, though neither is as bad as yours, for which you deserve an enormous good mama award.

My kid was a projectile vomiter. She nursed really well, would eat enormous amounts, and then puke up all of it, and across the room. Once, across the room was across the grocery story. In the bakery. I managed to catch most of it on her and me, but it was projectile vomit, after all. I wheeled our dripping selves and dripping cart to the front and told one of the store employees that I'd come back later for the groceries (some of which were puke covered). He looked squeamish and said okay.

Also, early on in her life, we lived in a studio apartment. I had the changing table on my desk, in front of a mirror. My daughter stood up mid-change one day to look at herself in the mirror, and started pooping. This made her giggle madly, which made her pee. I had all the changing accoutrements there, but they weren't much good as she laughed and danced and peed and pooped all over the place. Finally I had to just stand there and hold her arms out of it, waiting 'til she was through. It took her awhile because she was so extremely amused by the whole thing.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: Gordon sent me, too morty_baby 2005-04-27 08:26 pm UTC (link)
	My kid was a projectile vomiter too. That's when I found out why they call them RECEIVING blankets. It turned out that she was deathly allergic to dairy products. I cut the dairy products out of my diet and she was fine after that. (Reply to this) (Parent)

Re: Gordon sent me, too -

dairryiere, 2005-04-29 06:28 am UTC

Re: Gordon sent me, too -

lth, 2005-04-29 01:33 pm UTC

Re: Gordon sent me, too -

dairryiere, 2005-04-29 02:43 pm UTC

Re: Gordon sent me, too -

dairryiere, 2005-04-30 05:39 am UTC

	aulaitcru 2005-04-27 02:20 pm UTC (link)
	I'm a little late here, but... Thing 2 has pooped in a bathtub full of toys the past three times she's taken a bath. One of those times I was out of the room for about two minutes and returned to find her playing with the floater. Mmmm. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	dairryiere 2005-04-29 06:29 am UTC (link)
	I only had it happen once and luckily it was that newborn poop that never seems as bad so we just switched from bath to shower. (Reply to this) (Parent)

susannochka
2005-04-27 04:40 pm UTC (link)

I was a nanny long ago. When I first arrived, I was 20 years old, and baby E was about 14 months old. I was new to world of babies. E and I were on the 24, heading back home to Bernal Heights after an excursion to the Castro, and the bus was crammed full of grade school kids, all screaming and yelling. E was obviously not feeling well- I got a seat and managed to get her out of the Geri carrier. She whimpered and snuggled up to me. She felt feverish. The bus was so packed that I couldn't get us off at our stop, and I started cursing at the little bastards who weren't making room for us. When we finally got off the bus, sweating, in front of some shops on the main drag of Cortland, E just opened her little mouth and starting puking all over the place. It actually missed both of us, by some miracle, but all over the sidewalk and some garbage cans that were outside, and some more on the sidewalk. I was horrified/terrified/embarrassed, and mostly freaked out about the baby, and I must admit that I fled the scene immediately. Later, the pediatrician said, very enthusiastically, "Did she throw up a lot? People are always amazed at how much babies can throw up!" She was teething. Who knew babies could get so sick from teething?
But the poop stories all win.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	susannochka 2005-04-27 04:43 pm UTC (link)
	Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention- almost immediately, I was filled with a tremendous sense of relief and gratitude that she hadn't puked all over on that hot, crowded bus. Oh, my god. Just the thought of it just makes me wanna cry. (Reply to this) (Parent)

i'm <lj user="deserious"> temp. deleted
(Anonymous)
2005-04-27 05:31 pm UTC (link)

hi!

defenestr8r sent me over here to comment because she knows that I have spent a good while getting over this vague poopsmell trauma that lingered after my son finally learned to use the toilet last year. I also have my own hilarious and vengeful involuntary crapping story that I will post once I am back online and out of academic misery. We did the "run around the house with no diaper" method of toilet learning because I thought I was so hardcore having changed millions of diapers and wiped butts from here to Miami and back for my brother's large brood. At first finding a fresh turd on the floor was no big deal. It became a household joke and one time when my kid pooped a perfectly in tact, non mushed, almost cute turd on the seat of of his scooter my bandmate took a picture of it and chalked it up to what we knew would be shortlived hijinks. but the loneliness of new mamahood was wearing on my brain and after a few months of this it was getting very old and we were seeing no progress. to make matters worse, I developed a really unfortunate poopsmell paranoia. No matter where I was I felt like the smell of shit of full on solid toddler crap (none of this new born buttery popcorn smell) was following me everywhere. I was constantly smelling my hands and obsessively washing them to try and get the smell off. Of course I never could. I was convinced that the smell had permanently bonded itself into my nose and every pore on my body. I was miserable. I hated being around people and at the same time,I was totally aware that it was all in my head which freaked me out even more. Long hours online and on the phone with my mama-friends was the only thing that got me through this. Then about a month ago, (my kid is four now and uses the toilet exclusively, to an almost disturbingly rigid degree, but thats another story) the smell came back. Just randomly, I started smelling it. It gave me that frightened cold pit in my stomach and I had to breathe really hard not to relieve the whole experience in flashes of panic. I talked myself down and went around the house to see if maybe there was a dirty pair of underwear or something or if somehow my clothes or something had gotten unexplainably soiled. Nothing. I made my kid take a bath just in case and then I got in the shower. I turned on the water and grabbed the new bar of soap and the smell hit me full in the face. It was the SOAP!!!! KISS MY FACE olive oil bar smells like shit! literally. to me it smells like my sons potty training ass and it tortured me and I had no idea the whole time. I laughed so hard when I finally figured it out. and now I won't touch that soap or anyone who uses it, not with a ten foot pole.

(Reply to this)

I Understand

cdozo
2005-04-27 07:35 pm UTC (link)

I had a poop disaster when my kid was about two, I took him to a fancy upscale grocery store. He was sitting in the kid seat in the cart wearing only a diaper. After about a half hour of shopping, I realized that he had pooped a huge load of diarrhea, and that it had spurted out the back of his diaper and all over my groceries.

I cleaned the poop off of him and the cart as best I could and then paid for the groceries. I told a cart guy that the cart had poop on it and really needed cleaning. He was _really_ nice about it. He said he would disinfect it right away. Then I took the groceries home and threw them away.

(Reply to this)

been there too

jendle
2005-04-28 09:35 pm UTC (link)

Oh god, I should know better than to follow

gordonzola's link when nine months pregnant. I actually peed my pants laughing so hard reading this!

But I'll share too. Nematode was all of three weeks old and I thought I had this mama stuff down pat. Then I took her on a little outing to the Jiffy Lube. I noticed that she needed a diaper change, so I went into the bathroom, only to discover that there were absolutely no horizontal surfaces in there suitable for changing a baby, the floor was filthy, and they were out of paper towels. So I went back to the waiting room and figured, since there were no other customers, that I'd just quickly change her on the little table in the corner with the magazines on it. So I spread out the changing pad, got out the diapers/wipes and proceeded to change her. Just as I was finishing up neatly, she pooped again. A customer came in. I changed her again. She pooped again. Another customer came in, then another. I changed her a third time, again quickly and mostly neatly. Then, you guessed it, she pooped yet again! I had only one diaper left, and by this time the waiting room was filling up with the after-work oil-change crowd. So I sighed and started to change her again. This time, she let loose with a huge projectile poop while the diaper was off, splattering the edge of the table & magazines and splashing on me, though fortunately not on anyone else. I was out of wipes so I grabbed her extra clothes and started wiping up the poop. I could feel the whole room looking at me and my red face -- about 15 people by now -- and finally an older woman asked if I needed any help. I said, "Um, yeah, could you get some toilet paper please?" so she came out with one of those gigantic rolls of toilet paper for the monster dispensers. I thanked her and cleaned up as best I could. Magazines went into the bathroom trash, table and my sleeves got cleaned off with multiple trips to the bathroom for water and soap with mushy toilet paper particles spreading everywhere -- all the while, the Jiffy Lube staff studiously avoided looking in my direction and all the customers stared in horror. I wanted to flee the scene ASAP, but then Nematode started crying and screaming full blast, and my van was STILL not ready. It was a freezing cold winter day, one of the first days in a couple of weeks that the roads had been passable post-blizzard. I knew she needed to nurse but there was no way I was staying in there, so I bundled her into the sling and literally ran top speed around the corner to a grocery store/deli place where they had a much nicer and fully-equipped bathroom for a little more cleanup. I calmed down and nursed her and got some food. When I got back to the Jiffy Lube, the counter guy loudly told me they'd been waiting for me for a while and could I please move my van immediately because it was taking up space for other customers. Fuckers. I never went back there, and have unofficially boycotted the entire Jiffy Lube franchise since.

Oh yeah, and this whole escapade made me miss the first meeting of the new moms group I'd just joined.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	I think we may have a tie. dairryiere 2005-04-29 06:30 am UTC (link)
	That was worse than mine in a way because it was in an area mainly used by adults. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

Re: I think we may have a tie. -

jendle, 2005-04-29 08:23 am UTC

	lorraineb 2005-04-28 10:11 pm UTC (link)
	I work in an animal hospital so I see lots of diarrhea! One time the vet was trying to do a rectal exam on this big dog and the dog suddenly squirted GALLONS of diarrhea all over the vet's face and glasses and it was dripping down his neck. It was so gross, it was funny! (Reply to this)

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